an "A-ha"?

As I think and try to come up with an “a-ha”, it’s hard to do, I seem to say “that’s what it was I was trying to remember.” Or to my self “that’s what I have been telling you.”

Here is one that is very painful for to write about, but I fell I should, even if I get written off as a nut case.

Thomas and I had become very close friends rather quickly, which in hind sight, is not the best thing to happen to a chap. Even with “age gaps”, marital status differences, etc. supposedly blocking the way of our friendship, none of which we bought into. We were seen together more often than not.

Then the change began, I will be honest about the fact that I understand a lot of things that are below the surface in life, I just seem to know with out any real reason as to why. So when I began to have interesting dreams this spring I was intrigued, but not taken aback, especially when the things that I was dreaming about were happing at the same time I was dreaming them.

But for the sake of not rambling, back to the abbreviated story. I knew when there was a change, I see these things, I read people & realize when there is a change in body language and or countenance. Thomas began to withdraw and I knew it, but refused to heed it, even after the dream, his and not mine this time, but I knew what it meant. Even after two of my own, I refused to budge, I can be stubborn like that, but “this friendship was a gift & wasn’t going to be taken away or lost. I must save it!”

Then inter neurotic roommate/”friend” Karl. Who is becoming more and more on edge.
As well as the Thomas’s wife, Erika, the worse enemy of a guy’s “best friend”, who I know had some unresolved issues, that she was directing at me.

And now to set the stage.

Karl wanted to throw a pool party, which I knew would be a bit of work for me, but hell, I am game for a good shindig. In all the preparations etc. Karl gets agitated, but I keep trucking, because I am failures with Karl’s quirks by now, having been living with him for 9 months, and the best thing to do is let him deal with it. As the party wound down and few guests were left. Karl, Thomas and Erika, end up out by the pool, I am by this point really tired and began to join them. As I start to place my hand on the door knob, it seems to almost burn me, it wasn’t static, but it seemed like an emotional burn, followed by a ripping sensation in my heart, but I was tired & thought no more of it, till Thomas & I were on the job the next day and then it wouldn’t go away. So I asked him what they talked about out there, he hesitated and then gave this answer about how much potential they saw in me, the direction I was going . . . . . . . it all sounds good, but it was hollow and unbalanced, and I knew it, partly by the look in his eyes.

I was in a state of unrest after that, I couldn’t relax and then my folks asked me the same question I had asked Thomas, in the same wording and my spine bristled. “I don’t really know, what he told me, when I asked, seemed to be all good” I said. They both looked at each other at the same time and I knew I was about to hear what I didn’t want to. They turned back to me and shared more of the story then Thomas had admitted. They had at Thomas and Erika’s on their way out of town to pick up a tool we had barrowed for work., but the conversation was full of Adrian doesn’t do this and that, he needs to do this . . . . . . all things that he had never discussed with me, that if he had , would have look at in an entirely different light. Then that night after not being able to sleep again, I stated to meditate and fell sound asleep till about 3 in the morning when I set bolt upright in bed and had to complete dreams flash through my mind and I accepted the fact that I had been betrayed. Then I wept!

I didn’t say anything to Thomas, like I could have anyway; he disappeared from the picture, just sort of stepped out of my life with out rime or reason, given anyway. Karl whose neurosis began to intensify, even though he was getting paid rent every month, eventually told me to move, just as I was about to start school and had been in a near fatal car wreck, because “I didn’t have a real job.”. But hey, even if for myself, I was working, which is more than can be said for him. . Thomas reappeared and acted as if nothing ever happened. But I on the other had still walk with the limp left from the wounds of loosing two friends as well as family in Thomas’s children.

But I am ALIVE and continuing on with life. All though not an “a-ha” it was a realization, that shed new light on my life, brought me back to school, which showed the path my life was taking, and HELL! It is all going to make a damn good script someday.